Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted or updated this site.  I really apologize.  Over the last months/year I've gotten really caught up in the crap of life.  Summer's coming up, and hopefully I can do you all justice and rededicate myself like I wish I had been this whole time.   woo, go life!

To start out, I'd like to let you all know that yes, this site is still up and working (in case you couldn't tell... )  I'm not planning on closing it.  I'm sure it may look like that because I haven't really updated anything lately.  I'm sorry about that.  I have a few changes I will be making...just making some things more specific and organized...Outside of that, I don't really know what to add or change.                                                  Any suggestions?!?                                    I'm in the process of ordering and reading some new ed books, so hopefully I can recommend some more  on the page that's for that on here.  I don't want to recommend something that I don't believe in or that can be more triggering and harmful than helpful, ya know?  I may only be a 3rd year college student, but I know I need to be responsible with the info I put out there.  I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe or to risk getting deeper into the disorder (or sliding back into it).  You all deserve more than to have someone ignorantly (and irresponsibly) put stuff out there when you're looking for a safe place to get support for who you are where you are.  I hope stuff's going well, and feel free to share it here, especially if you feel alone or like you need an ear that understands to hear you out.  You're not alone!  It's okay to reach out.  You're worth having a friend or stranger to care about you.  Much hope and love!

 

what's goin on in my world

7/20/2004

Well, I have to start by sayin I got in to the school I applied to for the fall. I made a call, and it doesn't sound like it's too far-fetched of an idea for me to get involved in the colorguard. That's cool. Stuff's goin well I think. It finally seems like the last two years of my life are actually moving into the past and like I'm finally starting my "future" or present or whatever. I know I didn't talk much here about the crap that's gone on, but thankfully it's really lookin to be over. The past like 6 months have been that stupid transition phase between the past and the present...or what SHOULD be the present...if any of this makes sense. For a long while it was seeming like nothing was really changing like it should, like I was getting stuck living in my past 2 years. I can finally see the end and the end result of the post-relationship crap and the end result of the questioning stuff...simply said, the crap, the junk. I can now really start to see with clear eyes the purpose of it, and appreciate it without living in it or on a constant basis thinking about it. For one of the first times in my life I actually feel at peace with the past being in the past...like, it happened, but it's not me. It doesn't define me, and it doesn't predetermine what I will do or go through now. The only other time where I really felt this way about something was when I was out of the anorexia...enough to not only have the mental stuff settled but when my eating habits had finally matched how mentally healthy I'd become. (Because the eating habits go even more slowly because of what you get used to doing...and those normalizing happense after your mind gets things straight for some time.) It's a nice feeling to know that I'm on the path I'm supposed to be on. I can't say I wasn't where I wasn't supposed to be before (God obviously allowed it for reasons that are apparent without resent to me only now.), but there was a lot of not-right stuff goin on...painful stuff and such. I'm lovin Ashlee Simpson's cd. One song ("Shadow") can say more concisely what I was just attempting to say...well the end of it does. The cd came out today. The whole thing rocks. (if you're into the almost poppy rock...not so poppy as the likes of Hillary Duff (personally, not a fan of her)...It's fun nonetheless.) I'm glad I can still listen to the cd for free through MTV.com. I have some things to save up for. yay!

 

It's so beautiful!

6/22/2004

A couple nights ago I came across Live Actors Studio on Bravo. I like that show because you get insight into these actors' lives without it being for the purpose of exploitation. You get an in on their acting experiences as well as their life experiences, and it's often (for lack of a better word) moving. This one part really stuck with me, especially since I believe in God and believe the Bible where it says that God is love. The concept of life and love have pretty much always been tied together, but something that I saw in this episode made it that much more real to me and I'm sure the hundreds of students that were in the audience the day of the taping. Anyway, it was the 10th year anniversary show where they showed clips from the past 10 years plus some from the upcoming season. I don't know who he (James Lipton, the host) was talking about with Sharon Stone. I missed the name of the person, but it was someone who was known and died. He asked her about being with him as he passed on, and she had a beautiful response. (I'm assuming the guy who died had been out of it his last days, weeks, or something like that of his life.) She said that when he passed away it was like he all of the sudden was back in his body. His eyes got wide and he said, "It's so beautiful!" She said that she thought he was talking about the light or something like that. He said, "It's so beautiful. It's all about love!"

 

I'm back.

6/15/2004

I'm back. I'm sorry for neglecting all of you. I haven't really gotten anything done in the time since I haven't been to OD and to work on this site. I've just simply not come here in a while. I've said a lot in the past few months the kind of sorry where I am sorry but where I'm not doing much about it. I am the kind of sorry where I will do something about it. I will be on here more than I have been in the last couple months. I really want to be on here more. I'm not being down on myself right now, but I am being honest. I will try so much more to get on here. I miss being on here as much as I used to be. I miss all of you and reading what you have to share, what you boldly share dispite notes of disrespecting people who don't understand...what you share dispite the fear not to. You all are so brave and so incredibly beautiful too. You're so much stronger than certain forces will allow you to see or even admit. I love you all so much!